dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
