I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
