sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
