He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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