i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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