Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
