just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
