You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
