I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
