I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize