i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
