I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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