Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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