ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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