whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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