you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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