Non-Jews are for practice
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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