i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
