Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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