me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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