You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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