I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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