Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
