Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
