She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
