I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
