# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
