I like to think it a success when the cops are called
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
pop tarts are not kleenex
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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