I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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