I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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