I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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