The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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