do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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