i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
