i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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