i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize