apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
