I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
