Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
