Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
