so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
