I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
