Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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