I want to have your abortion
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
