Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
