I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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