Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
