just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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