You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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