dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
