Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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