so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
