i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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