textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
