There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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