That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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