You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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