Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
