the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Randomize
